After having the same disagreement a few times, you might feel like you already know what the other person will say. You might even stop asking them to explain their side.
Imagine an owner who wants to go after a new opportunity, while the operations leader thinks the team cannot handle it. Both feel frustrated because it seems like the other person does not see what is important.
Over time, these frustrations turn into assumptions. The owner starts to expect pushback on any big idea. The operations leader expects promises to be made without enough planning for how to deliver.
When the next opportunity comes up, it feels like the argument is already set to repeat itself.
What would you need to understand about someone’s position before their resistance started to make sense?
Find the specific objection
When someone says, “We don’t have the capacity,” it could mean the deadline is too tight or the work needs skills the team does not have. It might be possible to deliver, but only if something else gets delayed.
Each of these concerns calls for a different response. Ask which part of the plan will be hard to deliver and why. Share your own thinking just as clearly. If the opportunity is urgent, explain why the timing matters.
In Kellogg’s How to Cool Down Heated Conversations, Steven Franconeri introduces argument mapping to examine the reasoning behind opposing positions. Making those reasons explicit gives both people something they can assess.
You may discover that one of you has information the other does not. Or you may agree on the facts but differ on how much risk to accept. That is a more useful discussion than whether someone is too cautious or too ambitious.
Check what you think you know
Working together for years can make it easy to assume you understand someone’s motives. You remember previous disagreements and expect the same concern to be behind this one.
Sometimes the circumstances have changed while your opinion of the person has not.
Explain what you understand their concern to be and ask whether you have it right. Then ask what would make the proposal workable. Their answer may reveal a condition you can address.
Apply the same question to yourself. What would cause you to reconsider? If the answer is nothing, be honest about whether you are inviting input or asking for support for a decision already made.
Be clear about the trade-off
You may still have to choose between a worthwhile opportunity and a delivery risk you cannot fully remove. Establish what needs to be checked before deciding and who will make the call.
When explaining the decision, address the concern that was raised. Someone who would have chosen differently should still be able to see that you took their reasoning seriously.
Before the following discussion, write down why you hold your position and what could change your mind. Write down what you believe the other person’s reasons are too, but treat those as questions until you have confirmed them.
If you have had this argument several times, you probably do not need a stronger opening case. You need to find out what the previous conversations have left unanswered.
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